I want to be a better friend

But what happens when my 100% doesn't feel like enough?

Dear Jenn,

They say that friendships are a two-way street…but sometimes I struggle with making forward motions to keep upping my friend game. I don’t want to take anything (or anyone) for granted, so I’ve been ruminating on how I can be the best friend I can be.

We live in a society constantly aspiring for improvement, growth, and change - whether that’s the next big promotion at work or sharpening a new skill. Specifically, there’s a sense of definitive pride that comes with being recognized as being better than you were yesterday. 

Generally speaking, “maintenance” has never felt adequate, and being stagnant has sometimes been construed as being lazy. Our generation is so obsessed with optimization and increasing the value of everything within our midst, that sometimes we forget to slow down and stop overcomplicating things. Doubt and fear are an endless cycle, and coupled with questions of “enoughness”, it’s easy to get wrapped up. 

Unlike climbing the corporate ladder or seeing your bank balance increase annually, there’s no way to measure if you’re succeeding at being a good friend. Strengthening friendships isn’t a skill you build like learning to sew or earning a new karate belt colour. There isn’t a conclusive starting point and an ending point, where you can say “I’ve mastered the art of being a friend”. You and I are only human - and there’s no way we can show up in ALL ways all the time, especially when emotions and feelings and actions hold different value to different people. 

So yes, I want to give my friendships 100%. And yes, sometimes I struggle with the idea that maybe my 100% still falls short. But I’m coming to terms with the idea that I don’t have to excel at every facet of my life. Rather, I can make small steps in realistic directions to be a slightly better person than I was yesterday. 

This entry is self-reflective, and toggles between things I’d like to work on and ways I’d like to work on them. Part of the catharsis of writing this includes debunking the initial goal of “upping my friend game” or being “the best friend I can be” to justify the love and care that my friends give me. I’m hopeful that you resonate with some of my thoughts and insecurities, and that my own action items might be helpful to your own quest for patience, kindness, and betterment.