You should know, I'm a Swiftie
Trying to make people love me in a way that seems “effortless” (even if it’s not), is not sustainable. And perhaps… it’s also a bit manipulative???
Dear Jenn,
What if I told you I'm a mastermind?
From the beginning:
Since childhood, the need to connect has been intrinsic…even if these “connections” stemmed from a fear of being alone. The idea of having a best friend has always seemed safe: a buffer between us and the rest of the world, and a protective shield against adversity. In media, we have seen friendships form and persist at every stage of life – Winnie the Pooh, Lizzie McGuire, Sex and The City, The Golden Girls… In times of turmoil, joy, and the mundane, things have always seemed better when we have friends by our side.
When I think about my own experiences, it’s obvious that I have always been taken by the emotional safety that comes with having close friendships. Coupled with my people pleasing tendencies, the desire to “achieve” the adoration of others has always been deeply burrowed in my subconscious.
The thing about friendships, though, is that they’re not typically understood to be “achievable” or “collectable”. So why, at times, has making new friends felt gamified, with each new connection being like a level “unlocked” in a world where connection is aplenty? Perhaps, if done enough times, might I be able to secure a lifeline of beloved-ness?
Where Taylor comes in:
It usually takes me a few times to cycle through an album before I’m actually able to absorb what I’m listening to, but when I heard “Mastermind” [off of “Midnights”] for the first time, I immediately felt a deep sense of shame.
I related to words that out of context, would likely be deemed ugly.
No one wanted to play with me as a little kid
So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since
To make them love me and make it seem effortless
This is the first time I've felt the need to confess